I'm scared!

I’m afraid of never finishing my dissertation

I’m afraid of not getting a job

I’m afraid that once I get a job I will be no good at it

I’m afraid the move will stress me out

Now that I got that off my chest I feel better.

DISSERTATION

I finished revisions on resubmit (ahead of planned schedule!) and have already started making figures for last chapter.

JOBS

I was met enthusiastically by my previous boss at dream job in home state via e-mail but when I followed up by phone yesterday she sounded less excited and mentioned that I’d have to apply like everyone else and make it in the top 3 by answering questions that HR judges and awards points to. It’s all for the best, I don’t study what she does. I often feel resentful towards my husband for leaving this “dream job” but all is in the past. I could have made different choices besides moving to dissertation state to be with him. If I was smart I should have kept studying the research I worked on with old boss, but the university I went to (his university) didn’t do this type of work. Also, I am happy with my line of research now. Old boss also said it was “interesting” that we were moving before we had positions.

I’ve been applying for jobs like mad and need to get more organized. My adviser said he got an e-mail for a referral for one position and I couldn’t remember what the job was. I was able to look it up through the online application portal but I should keep an excel spreadsheet of job title, location, application date, contact info, ect. This way I can better follow up on these applications. Like I said I’ve just been applying for all types of jobs, some I don’t really want. I need to be more selective and work harder on the applications. Also, I’m upset at husband for being very inflexible of where we can live. Ok, home state is great, but within 100 miles from where we went to undergrad doesn’t give a whole lot of options, especially since I don’t want to change my focus very much. The job I spoke about above is about 400 miles from where we were undergrads.

I’m upset at myself for not applying to positions (post doc and faculty) this past fall and I’m upset at my adviser for not giving me advice about it. I’m upset at the PhD process for it’s lack of structure and deadlines. Last fall I had no clue when I was going to graduate so I didn’t see the need to apply for positions. I also felt like my publication record wasn’t ready for a faculty position. All of my dissertation research will be published this year or next. I only have one publication from my masters thesis as the other one is the “resubmit” I’ve been refereeing to. As most of you know, some positions take up to a year from date of application to hear about so I should have been applying for fellowships, ect. this past fall.

I strongly believe that a year after one’s prelim defense there should be a mandatory follow-up meeting where it is laid out how much needs to be completed before graduation, i.e. we’d like you to submit x manuscripts or we’d like you to finish x experiments. I know so many students who haven’t a clue what is required for graduation and besides having very different standards between labs there are different standards between students. I think this happens to be unfair (*whine*). While I think there should be flexibility to cater to an individuals’ project, there needs to be a better understanding of what is required. Sure x papers or x experiments still doesn’t tell you exactly how long it will take but a student will have a better gauge on the progress. I have a friend here in physics and she said that after her prelim her adviser said you will graduate on this date, no matter what she gets accomplished. But for the most part, students are strung along as cheap labor until funding runs low, new students enter, or for one student in my dept. the university says “he has been here too long, get rid of him!” What does it say about a dept. that keeps a student so long that the university has to step in?

For lack of better options I’m going to push for this consulting position (within 50 miles of undergrad location) since they offered me a job here in Midwest. I figure I can work with them and hopefully have time to apply for post-docs and/or faculty positions (as my publication record will be better this fall). As I stated before, this work should be rewarding and much more fun that sitting at my desk 8+ hours a day.

MOVING

I told my husband that I don’t trust him to take care of the moving arrangements and that I’m worry about it. I feel some reassurance by his response. I also feel better that we have decided to go with the PODS, even if they are more expensive than a U-Haul. The POD can be delivered to our house the week before I go back to dissertation town so we can start to pack things up in there, and he can do some moving into the POD while I am away. In addition we won’t have to find somewhere to live before we drive back the first week in July. The POD can be stored until we need it and then delivered to our new place. We will stay at my husband’s grandma’s house and be able to drive around and check out rentals in person. Also, if I do get the consulting job, mentioned above, we could live in grandma’s rental-as it’s a nice commute via public transit to the job. Otherwise from her place it’s not a nice car commute towards where we’d like to be working. It’s a really nice place, we could get my cat back to live with us, and we would be a block from grandma and could help her with errands and upkeep on her house.

So my husband is in charge of the POD scheduling, of acquiring boxes, helping to pack and donating our 86 Mazda station wagon. Husband bought it for $250 in dissertation town from a professor but it is on it’s way out so we bought a 2000 Honda Civic this year.

I’m in charge of changing all the utilities out of our name and in charge of making address changes for magazines, ect. In addition, I’m in charge of selling our guest bed (anyone in the Midwest interested in a full bed with a nice wooden base w/drawers), possibly selling our little futon couch and getting rid (donating) of my office bookshelf and office chair and possibly one of my office desks (selling). Hm, still sounds like I’m in charge of doing more than husband.

We got rid of a lot of excess stuff when we moved from dissertation town to Midwest but there is still some to donate. We already have a box filling up with clothes and we need to go through my husbands unpacked boxes with books and DVD’s to donate to the library. Yes we have lived here since July and my husband didn’t unpack all his boxes. *Sign*

We did bring more here than we would have if husband’s company wasn’t paying for the move. Also, we bought a nice big couch and a CA king bed since living here. Those will be fun to move.

I noticed when I was in dissertation town that I miss having someone to talk to and discuss these boring, mundane tasks so thanks for reading!