My husband is awesome, ect.

I've decided to steal this title from Dr. Brazen Hussy, since I was contemplating what to call it anyway.

Background information:
Yesterday was suppose to be the day I told my adviser that I'm submitting this resubmit because I think it's good enough and I'm tired of putting it off. I've been working really hard on it. I need something to show from my efforts and while my adviser is a distinguished professor and 70+ years old and has all the time in the world I don't. I've been working on my dissertation for 6 years and have one manuscript, plus a sh*t load of abstracts but abstracts won't help me get jobs.
I made a list of things I wanted to say and was nervous all morning. Then adviser changes meeting time to today and sends me a revised abstract. The abstract was nothing like mine and it made me loose all confidence and I decided I could no longer go through with my speech.
Then husband comes home and reads both abstracts and starts to tell me why mine is no good but it turns out since he didn't know which was which he thought mine was my advisers and vice versa. Exactly, my abstract is better than my advisers! My husband published 8 first author manuscripts while a PhD student so I'd say he's a good judge on the subject. (we are both in same discipline but different subjects). He then proof read my 25 page manuscript and gave comments and told me to submit it. In addition when I woke up this morning I noticed he had put the dishes in the dishwasher away. What a guy :)

But now today, I have to decide if I still want to go through with speech.
These are my main points
1. I am not being lazy by not wanting to work on it more.
2. The reviewers will do a much better job critiquing it then we can
3. It is my paper. I am the expert. (this one is scary because I'm afraid it will say I know more than adviser)
4. I am loosing motivation
5. I am not super busy, i.e. I want to finish my projects and move on
6. Do you think I am improving as a writer? Do you think I am ready to graduate?

I think number one and number three are the ones that keep me listening to my adviser when he says it's not ready. Although I really feel he says this because he hasn't read it yet. I think it's hard to argue with him because it makes me feel like I'm saying I'm smarter than him, but I don't think this is true.

My husband has been really supportive and reminding me that I am smart and hardworking.

Writing is my least favorite thing to do. I loose all motivation and confidence and it depresses me. I wonder, "where the hell is that smart, athletic, confident Jennie I know?" She was around during grad school years 0-5, but she's slowing becoming fat, self-pity Jennie. I don't like this Jennie, but this Jennie always seems to win. Yesterday instead of running I made Kahlua coffee. Now it's a snowy mess today and I can't run.

I read this interesting article about how to raise smart kids and I think it applies a lot to my life. It talks about the difference between thinking being smart is something innate or something that you can become. Those that think it's something you can work at are more likely to think positive when faced with a challenge. Those who think being smart is something you are born with decide that if something becomes difficult to do it's because they are not smart enough, they then tend to give up.
I think part of my depression (dissertation blues?) stems from this feeling of helplessness. Like either I am not smart enough to do something on my own or the helplessness of waiting for others to help me complete something.

If I can only train myself to see life's difficulties as challenges I can work though and conquer I think finishing my dissertation and corresponding publications will be 100% easier. And not easy because I am smart but easy because I will work hard and have a better attitude about things.

Lets hope for the best