My religious background (long post)

With all the news about the documentary Expelled I thought this would be a good time to let my readers know about my religious background, as I’ve learned a little about your religious beliefs from some of your posts.

It starts with a death, which I imagine is often why people turn to religion. This death, however, occurred before I was born, but after I was conceived-as during this time my father died in a motorcycle accident. After my birth, my father’s parents wanted to help my mother out and so I went to their house every other week-end until I was in 6^th grade. I didn’t know until later but my grandma said she offered this because she felt bad that my mom was a single parent. I would go to the grandparents and I would attend church on Sunday mornings. My uncle, who lived with them, would take me in the morning to Sunday school and then we would meet up with my grandma and grandpa in the church service. He attended a youth service. He must have been in his early 20’s. My mom was 19 when I was born and I’m pretty sure this uncle was younger than my birth father. Although not related to my religious story I should mention that my uncle, Chuck, later committed suicide. It’s hard to write about him and not think about this. I was in kindergarten or 1^st grade. I really missed him. He would always play games with me, even Barbies. My grandpa didn’t attend church for at least a decade after this incident. He later told me that he was mad at God.

What I remember from church is singing and eating and coloring in pictures of Jesus. I don’t remember much about religion, but I tend to think that attending church and spending so much time with my grandparents helped give me a good moral background. This is not something one has to learn at a church, but for me, that is where I learned it. I’m sure my mom was a good influence as well.

I stopped spending so much time with my grandparents once I joined a traveling softball league, around 5^th grade. That was it, no more church except for holidays.

My mom never attended church with us, I later learned she didn’t like church because it reminded her of funerals.

Fast forward to 2^nd year of college. I’m living with my mom, step father and sister in a town about 4 hours from where I grew up. We had been living with my step father since I was in 7^th grade. But moving to this new town, only a year before, and my sister’s birth about two years prior and me attending college put a lot of stress on my mom and step-father’s marriage. My step father decides we are all going to church. I didn’t have a problem with this, I had attended church before and while I never really considered myself a Christian it wasn’t something I ever had to think about and people never asked me about it.

I really enjoyed going back to church. We went to this huge, progressive church and I found the sermons intellectually stimulating, it really got me thinking. . . just about life and values. I joined a bible study and made some really good friends and enjoyed the conversations we had during the study. The older couple that led the study are awesome. I still keep in touch with them. Everyone was open, never judgemental, and at the first meeting we went around and introduced ourselves and I had to go first. I opened with “I am not a Christian, but I am here to learn about the bible, ect.” I stopped going to church with my parents and went to the evening service, where their was a rock band and a young pastor and a younger audience. I never felt like the services were preachy, it was more about being spiritual and yes, believing in one God and trying to follow what the bible says, but it was also about exploring the bible and the struggle with the different feelings one has in their heart about what is right and wrong. I never felt preached to but it was always more of this is how I, the pastor, interpret this passage, ect.

I eventually started calling myself a Christian and excepted him in my life. Making this decision was mostly about the spirituality I felt. It’s been eight years since I “became” a Christian and I’m constantly doubting God’s existence but I believe that there is something out there that can’t and shouldn’t be explained by science. Maybe it’s not real, but maybe it is. Have you never felt that feeling that something supernatural is controlling things? I’ve had some many experiences that seem to be more than chance. And I’ve just “felt” a presence in my life at times, helping me along-I guess.

So during the time I starting calling myself a Christian my parents got divorced. At one point my step dad said I wasn’t a Christian because I didn’t want to pray in front of him and that my mom wasn’t one because she didn’t read the entire bible. Life at home, sucked. By the end of my 2^nd year of college my mom, sister and I moved out.

When I moved to dissertation town I found a church to attend. My husband and I even hosted a bible study at our house for a few months. But after a while I just decided I didn’t like this church. The people seemed fake. In addition, my husband didn’t want to attend and I didn’t like going by myself. It’s likely been 3 years since I’ve regularly attended church. I went to one here in the Midwest. I read that they have a women pastor, but she hadn’t started when I went there. I felt like the church was really ritualistic. They had these passages they would read at certain points in the service. It was just a weird vibe I got there, like it wasn’t about God but it was about “doing” these certain things.

And now, I’m not sure what I believe or how I feel. I’m certain there is more to this life than what we have here, and if not-even if we turn back into dirt-I believe there are spirits or outside forces that help us along. And if I’m wrong, I’m ok with that. I’m not trying to teach my beliefs in a classroom as science because what I believe is not science and I would never want it to be, because then it could be proved or more likely disproved.